Communicating with Care: What to Avoid When Speaking to Someone with Alzheimer’s...

Alzheimer’s disease, a progressive neurological disorder, robs individuals of their memories, independence, and eventually, their ability to function in everyday life. The emotional and cognitive toll it takes on both the person diagnosed and their caregivers can be overwhelming. For those who care for people with Alzheimer’s, understanding how to communicate effectively becomes paramount, as the wrong words can exacerbate confusion, anxiety, and frustration. Despite the best of intentions, certain phrases or questions can unintentionally hurt, making it more difficult for someone with Alzheimer’s to feel understood and respected.

As we continue to navigate a society that is increasingly affected by Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia, it is important to learn the language of compassion. This article highlights the common mistakes that caregivers, family members, and friends make when interacting with those diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and why these phrases can be detrimental.

“Don’t You Remember?” – The Worst Question You Can Ask

The question “Don’t you remember?” is often seen as a casual inquiry, but for someone with Alzheimer’s, it’s a painful reminder of their cognitive decline. Memory loss is one of the most obvious and distressing symptoms of the disease, and asking this question can lead to feelings of helplessness and embarrassment. This simple query places undue pressure on the person, forcing them to confront the reality of their memory loss. Instead of seeking affirmation, it's crucial to approach communication with empathy, avoiding questions that force them to recall something they may no longer remember.

“Let Me Do It for You” – Undermining Independence

One of the most difficult aspects of Alzheimer’s is the gradual loss of independence. While caregivers may feel a deep sense of compassion and a desire to help, constantly taking over tasks for the individual can strip them of their dignity. Speech-language pathologists advise against doing things for the person unless explicitly asked. While it might seem helpful, this can reinforce feelings of helplessness and erode their remaining independence. Instead, let them take the lead in doing what they can, offering support only when necessary.

“You’re Wrong” – Arguing with a Person with Alzheimer’s

Dementia can cause people to perceive reality differently, and it’s common for individuals with Alzheimer’s to make statements that may not be factually accurate. When this happens, many well-meaning individuals attempt to correct them by saying, “You’re wrong,” which can escalate into frustration and anger. Experts suggest that caregivers avoid arguing over details. If a person with Alzheimer’s insists that it’s Tuesday, even though it’s clearly Wednesday, it’s more effective to gently go along with their perception without correcting them. Arguing can heighten confusion, while accepting their version of reality can help maintain a calm and respectful environment.

“Do You Want to Make Plans for Next Week?” – Struggling with Time

Time is a difficult concept for someone with Alzheimer’s. As the disease progresses, individuals lose their ability to understand the passage of time, which can make planning for the future an exercise in frustration. Asking, “Do you want to make plans for next week?” may not resonate with someone who has difficulty remembering what happened earlier in the day. According to dementia care experts, it's more practical to focus on the present moment and keep plans simple. Writing down plans for others to follow through on can help maintain structure and prevent confusion.

“You Look Good” – A Well-Intentioned but Trivializing Comment

While saying “You look good” might seem like a compliment, it can trivialize the daily struggles of someone with Alzheimer’s. Society often holds preconceived notions about what dementia looks like, and such comments can inadvertently diminish the real challenges faced by individuals. Making superficial comments can ignore the emotional and cognitive toll that Alzheimer’s exacts. Instead, acknowledge the person’s effort or the emotion they might be conveying, focusing on the deeper, more meaningful aspects of their experience.

“I Just Said That” – Repetition as a Source of Frustration

Repetition is a common symptom of Alzheimer’s, and when someone repeats themselves, it can be frustrating for the listener. However, pointing out the repetition or saying, “I just said that” only adds to the discomfort. This approach can highlight the individual’s cognitive decline and cause unnecessary stress. Rather than focusing on the repetition, caregivers should gently redirect the conversation, or simply offer reassurance without criticism.

“How Did You Feel This Week?” – Memory Gaps and Emotional Disconnect

It’s natural for friends and family to ask how someone is feeling, but for someone with Alzheimer’s, questions about their emotional state can be difficult to answer. The person may not remember how they felt even a few moments ago, making such inquiries frustrating. Rather than asking them to recall past emotions, it may be more effective to offer a current emotional observation, such as, “You seem happy today,” or “You seem a bit tired right now.” This takes the pressure off the person and helps them feel understood without the stress of trying to remember feelings from days past.

“You Have No Logic” – Criticizing Cognitive Changes

As Alzheimer’s disease progresses, the brain’s ability to process information logically becomes impaired. While it may be tempting to point out inconsistencies or contradictions in what the person says, phrases like “You have no logic” can be incredibly damaging to their self-esteem. This type of criticism can cause individuals to retreat emotionally, further isolating them. Instead of pointing out logical inconsistencies, caregivers should focus on listening actively and providing emotional support.

“What Would You Like to Wear Today?” – Too Much Freedom Can Cause Anxiety

For individuals with Alzheimer’s, making choices about everyday tasks can become overwhelming. Simple decisions, such as what to wear, can trigger confusion and anxiety. Experts recommend offering gentle guidance rather than leaving the decision entirely up to the person. Instead of asking, “What would you like to wear today?” consider offering two choices, like “Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?” This provides structure without overwhelming them.

“Grab Your Socks and Shoes, Grab Your Bag and Come to the Door” – Avoid Overload

When giving instructions to someone with Alzheimer’s, it's important to break down tasks into manageable steps. Long sentences or multi-part commands can cause confusion. Experts recommend keeping instructions simple and direct, such as, “Let’s put on your shirt,” followed by “Now your shoes.” Giving clear, concise instructions reduces the cognitive load and makes it easier for the individual to follow along.

Final Thoughts: A Call for Compassionate Communication

Alzheimer’s disease changes not only the person who has it but also how they interact with the world. As caregivers and loved ones, it is essential to approach communication with patience, empathy, and understanding. By avoiding certain phrases and adopting a more thoughtful, compassionate approach, we can help individuals with Alzheimer’s maintain their dignity, independence, and emotional well-being.

Ultimately, Alzheimer’s care is not just about managing symptoms—it’s about fostering meaningful connections and ensuring that people with dementia feel respected, heard, and valued. In the language we use and the way we interact, we hold the power to make a profound difference in the lives of those affected by this challenging disease.